Safe Haven
by Tracy247
Summary: Hunted by day and haunted by night, Edward Elric should probably be near the borderline of handling the physical and mental assault. And he would probably… if it wasn't for that one place that promised him safety and a few moments without worries…!
1. Insomnia

**Safe Haven**

_Chapter 1 – Insomnia  
_

It had never been a secret that Edward Elric loved to sleep.

He was a very active young boy with loads of energy just waiting to be spent playing tag, learning about and practicing alchemy, bickering with his little brother Alphonse or simply having fun. But once the sun had set and they were home with their mother Trisha, he never so much as resisted when his eyes started drooping low… after dinner of course. (He wanted to become big and strong… and he would, just without drinking that gross milk…!) He was always already too tired to even really understand what the others were saying anyway, so he just crawled into bed without a word and snoozed away for the next eight hours or so…

Sleep was bliss after all. Just dreaming about fantastic adventures or just having fun with his loved ones, it made him look forward to the dark hours of the day. Even the craziest of dreams could be discussed and laughed about with Al and Winry later on.

And it's not like he had anything to fear happening either while he was in his dream world. Sure, sometimes there were nightmares, but – as ridiculous as it sounded – Ed knew that they were merely figments of his overactive infantile imagination (not with that vocabulary yet, though). That didn't mean it didn't scare him once in a while. No, sometimes he was close to crying out in fear. Only his reputation as the older and more mature Elric brother was (apparently) at stake, so he wouldn't allow himself to be overcome by his fear. The young boy would forget about his dreams by morning anyway, so why bother being thought a wimp by his little brother over something so meaningless?

He wanted his mother to be proud of him after all.

Really, Trisha was the reason the boys were living for. They learned and practiced alchemy to hear her praise her talented sons. They would bring her flowers and drawings to see her smile warmly and pat their heads affectionately. They would tell her about their day's adventures to feel the warmth of her laughter.

And suddenly, all of that was taken away from the boys.

Trisha's illness had become apparent so suddenly, not even the doctor seemed to have suspected anything before she collapsed. And even if neither the doctor nor anyone else ever told the two of them, at the very least Ed somehow knew that their mother was not going to get better. Again, he put on a brave face for their mother's sake. She shouldn't have to worry about them when she was the bed-ridden one. Or at least that's what he told himself, so as not to be overcome by his emotions in front of his brother. He had to be strong for the both of them, so that it would be easier for Al and his mother to move on.

And somehow the young boy managed to remain almost composed during her final days.

It was only after her life had been lost that his feelings seemed to be able to catch up with Ed.

Nightmares haunted the young boy on a regular basis, darker and worse than any he had ever had to experience. And it was almost always the same one.

_It was his mother. One moment she was smiling happily at her boys' progress in alchemy and the next she was writhing on the floor, blood spewing from her mouth along with her violent coughs, painting the wooden floor a dark red. Her irregular breathing was so shallow and raspy it could barely qualify as a wheezing sound, escaping her lips as she struggled to make out words he could not understand. Her face was turned to him, begging him to come help her, to make the pain stop, to get help. To do something. But he couldn't. He was rooted to his spot and as much as he willed his legs to move or his mouth to cry for help, he was completely in shock. _

_The worst part of it was that he was alone. _

_There was no (seemingly) level-headed Al that could tell him to get help from the Rockbells and no Winry embracing him and his brother while he was immobile in shock, muttering "Mom…!" over and over again, and no Granny Pinako listening to the doctor's explanation because he was too far gone to hear a word. There wasn't even a pitifully whimpering Den nuzzling his leg in an attempt to get his attention._

_He was all on his own._

_And suddenly the woman would begin to speak, so quietly he almost couldn't understand her, but he still could not move closer either. His heart was pounding over the sound of her voice, which he was so desperate to hear. But it was futile. He could neither get closer to understand more, nor could he escape the sound of her words. He was trapped._

_"Edward-…!" Another bloody coughing fit would interrupt her as her hand reached out towards him. In hope of grasping something Ed would mirror the motion, but his legs still refused to move, so he was still so utterly useless, the boy felt disgusted by himself. "Edward, come… here, please…! Help me-!" The fog in her eyes would thicken, making her look so very lifeless, yet she would just barely manage to squeeze out the last bit, before her hand fell to the red-painted ground along with her head, the sound being drowned by his own erratic breathing and heartbeat. _

_"Why… didn't you… help me…?"_

Her last words would echo through his mind, again and again and again, along with the image of her motionless body on the bloody mess on the floor until a merciful soul let him wake up, drenched in cold sweat, nearly breaking down at the memories.

This nightmare, he could never forget.

Not because it was scarier than his other ones, but because it wasn't simply a figment of his imagination. It was real. It had happened. And he really could not do anything… at all.

And that fact was what would make Edward slowly change his opinion about sleep and dreams.

With the ever reoccurring nightmares tainting his supposedly blissful night's rest, the boy couldn't even escape the ghosts of his past in his dreams. They were haunting him. And there was nothing anyone, much less Ed himself, could do about it. The results were foreseeable. For the first few weeks after the incident, the child was trapped between two choices: sleeping a few hours of restless slumber and experiencing the horror of his nightmares again and again and again… or not sleeping at all.

His choice was the second one.

It seemed that at least when he was thoroughly exhausted, he could sleep dreamless for a few hours, before some subconscious fear awoke him, in case the nightmares would return.

He preferred suffering from insomnia.

It was no news to him of course that this wasn't exactly healthy for him either, but it was keeping him _sane_ for the time being. Ed wasn't sure the same could be said if he had to endure his dreams every night…

And so he would study the alchemic texts in his father's room into the early hours of the morning. When the time would come for him and Al to get up, he would fake sleep so as not to get his brother suspicious about his sleeping disorder. Only in the rarest of cases would he collapse from exhaustion hours after midnight, mostly only after having gone through several sleepless nights in advance.

He wondered if anyone was able to see the dark circles under his matted-golden eyes. For quite some time at least no one had tried to speak to him about it.

Until that one day of course…

It had been another long night of reading, writing down notes and trying to understand this ridiculously complex text about the individual signs for certain transmutation circles, all the while trying his best to not wake up Alphonse who had fallen asleep on the floor next to him sometime around midnight.

The fifth all-nighter in a row now…

That alone should've made it more than obvious that he was feeling anything but fine. His body craved for rest, he was even more irritable than normal, and he did neither eat nor drink all that much either since the start of it all.

Ed supposed that someone had to have figured it out for sure.

But he honestly didn't know if she really noticed something, when Winry showed up the next afternoon at their house.

"Hey Ed, Al! Wanna play?" The blond-haired girl called cheerily when she entered the study room, where the two boys were busy digging through the thick tomes in the book shelves. Seeing as they were completely on their own now, the Rockbells had made a spare key for the Elric residence in order to be able to check on them once in a while.

"Don't wanna…" was Ed's uninterested reply. The little girl seemed quite pissed off that he wouldn't even lift his head to answer her. She was _this_ close to chucking something heavy at that dumb, nonchalantly answering boy, when the younger brother spoke up, trying to smooth out the tension between his two best friends.

"I'm sorry, Winry. It's kind of a bad time right now… Maybe next time, okay?" Winry knew of course that there would not be a 'next time' either, because she had heard exactly those words far too often by now to still believe in them. She had enough of their excuses. So she decided to do something about this gloom around the boys, like she should've done from the beginning.

"Oh really? Well, it's not like there will be a better time anyway, so why not now?" She kind of felt bad for being angry at Al who only wanted to be as polite as possible, but these boys were just… They didn't even seem to be themselves anymore!

Ever since… _that_ happened, they had been different… All they did, day in and day out, was sitting at home and studying alchemy! Winry was starting to believe that they had forgotten how to _have fun_ altogether! They were her best friends, and here she was getting shot down every day because 'it was kind of a bad time'! She had to do something!

So she grabbed the book out of Ed's hands and dashed off.

"What-? HEY, GIVE THAT BACK, WINRY!" The older boy's shouts followed as she ran out of the house and over the fields towards _their_ place. The tree on top of the hill near the riverbed. It was where they three children had always met up to play in the afternoon until the sun set and where they had stayed to marvel at the beautiful shades of yellows, oranges and reds before the bid each other good night. It was where the memories of their childhood were most vivid and where they would stay forever. And it was where they could always come to in case something troubled them.

"Come on, slowpoke! Hurry up or you'll never catch me!" It was like playing tag again, despite Al apparently having given up the chase when they left the house, preferring that his brother get some actual exercise and he would continue working. At least that way, Ed wouldn't be too upset about his little trip and maybe he would even be able to sleep a little after running around for so long.

"Don't call me slowpoke!" His voice answered, not too far behind her, but it was still unlike Ed to be unable to outrun her. He might be small, but the boy was actually incredibly fast (at least it seemed that way to her).

"Alright, pipsqueak, catch me if you can!" She laughed out, still holding his book to her chest. She enjoyed this, running around with him, even if she kind of had to force it on him. And although Ed would probably call himself short before admitting it, he was still having fun… Just a little! It was refreshing to be outside, breathing in the air of a warm afternoon, with the smell of apples invading his nose.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK, HUH?!" The sudden burst of anger fueled him into being able to run even faster and he caught her in a matter of seconds, tumbling over the ground with her. When they stopped, Ed rolled on top of her, his body weighing her down while he tried to snatch the book out of her arms, still panting heavily.

"Let me go, Ed!" Her breathless demand wouldn't have even been audible to anyone that was not currently sitting on top of her, faces merely a few inches apart. That little detail went unnoticed however, as both children were too transfixed into their tug-of-war of sorts.

"Not until you give me back that book!" In their squabble of tugging at the book, it somehow flew right out of their hands and a fair distance away… _into the river_, of course. "See, what you did?! This is all your fault!"

"My fault?! How is it my fault that you tugged the book out of my hands?" The girl snapped back, as she shoved Ed off of her, both of them looking at the book being washed away by the current. It wouldn't be of any use to go after it anymore anyway, since the text would be beyond readability after being soaked by the water. Winry felt a little bad though. She didn't want the book to be lost completely. She just wanted to see the normal, temperamental and speed-loving Ed again.

"Well, you didn't have to take it from me in the first place! Why'd you do that anyway…?" All she got for now was an angry one instead. And even though she knew that the fault was hers to a certain _tiny_ degree, she was far too upset at the moment to listen to reason from her conscious. It was for his own good really.

"So you'd have a little fun!"

"Fun…? Winry, this isn't about having fun. That was one of my-… Hohenheim's books and it was really important!" Despite saying that, Ed couldn't deny the feeling of having fun (if only a little) and Winry couldn't take her eyes off of the eyes that now somehow sparkled a little with life, unlike what they had appeared only minutes ago. He was serious about the book though, so the girl looked down at her hands in shame after jerking out of her reverie.

"I-I'm sorry… I didn't know that it was that important to you…! I just wanted you to smile again… You're always so serious and all, but you don't smile anymore! And I miss seeing my best friend smile like he always did…! And I barely see you anymore and when I do, you're always looking awful… I'm worried, okay?" It was her conscious speaking now. And maybe it was fine like that, because who knows if she would've gotten these things off of her mind if not for her suddenly loose tongue…? Somehow the girl felt a little better now…

"Gee, thanks, Win. That was exactly what I wanted to hear…" Okay, so what if that had come out a little wrong? That guy should know that she wasn't talking about his all-over looks, but the fatigue showing on his face and most prominently in his golden eyes.

"Oh, you know what I mean! Or have you not looked into the mirror for weeks? It would explain a lot of things, really…" And so what if she was getting really snippy? Ed just had a way with her that always drove her up the wall until her head hit the ceiling. Even what most considered to be a normal response never failed to get her riled up and in the fighting mood.

"I _have_ looked into the mirror, thank you very much!" The boy shot back just as snidely, mostly out of reflex. And really, seeing him arguing with her was still much better than just watching him read away in three books at once. "But looking into the mirror doesn't _change_ the way I look…"

"Well, _duh_, you have to do that yourself!"

"Then what should I do?!"

"Well, for starters, you could try sleeping more…!" Well, that was rich! As if he hadn't tried and failed more times than he could count to actually sleep for a few hours! But he didn't want to speak to the one person trying to help him like that. It wasn't her fault that he was irritated (or at least not to the point where this much hostility would be called for) and neither did his best friend deserve this kind of treatment, no matter what happened between them. (Not to mention that sharing the fact that something as childish as nightmares was his excuse for looking like a zombie would be kinda… really embarrassing.)

"… I can't." Leaving his motives unexplained was certainly no method to keep Winry from getting what she wants out of him, but there really was nothing he could do otherwise. She would get her way no matter what he did…

"What do you mean, you _can't_?! Don't tell me that working on your stupid alchemic texts is more important than your own health!"

"It's-" Ed wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to answer her then. Maybe he was ready to tell her the truth or maybe he wasn't. Maybe he would've told her anyway while his mind was still kind of numb. Of course, he never got to know either, since the girl didn't even let him open his mouth (which was, by the way, a nice method of getting answers out of him).

"Don't try to make up other excuses either! Ed, I'm really worried about you…" That kinda took the wind out of his sails, though. She had sounded so caring, almost vulnerable herself, as if she was afraid of something… And the boy never really could deny her anything when she sounded like that. Winry didn't need puppy dog eyes; she had them in her voice. And that was going to be his ruin one of these days…!

"Win… I just can't sleep, okay…?" He responded tiredly. What could he do though…? He didn't want to lie to her and his voice betrayed him either way, so what was the sense in any more stalling?

"… Well, why not?" However the golden-haired boy remained silent, to Winry's utter frustration. "C'mon, you can tell me and you know it! I won't tell anyone!"

"… Nightmares…" That shut her up, if only for a while.

"You have nightmares?" The girl asked cautiously, as if he was going to break apart just from a simple question like that. _Please!_ He wasn't that much of a sissy! (Or at least that's what he told himself… Maybe he would've actually fallen apart if he had actually answered, if he had told her everything… And maybe it would've helped to come undone for once instead of taking it in and keeping it there…!)

"…" Ed didn't reply though. He was embarrassed, really, that he had to admit his weakness in front of a girl. Admitting that he was scared in general, even to his best friend, wasn't really something he wanted to do, but there just was something about Winry that could make him do stuff like that anyway. "You can laugh if you want, you know? I know that it's ridiculous…"

"It's not ridiculous!" As proof of her conviction about her vehement protest (or maybe she did it unconsciously?) the girl took ahold of his hand and squeezed it a little in her own. It felt somewhat comforting, but it was still nothing less than downright awkward for the young boy. "Listen, whenever I have a nightmare or if I'm scared of something, I try to think about all the good things in my life. Like, granny and Al and you… and Den, you know? Sometimes I even think about my parents, although I don't have many memories about them. I still love them. And they help me forgetting about the bad dreams…!"

"… And that actually works?" He asked doubtfully. Was it really that easy to get rid of his problem? It couldn't be. Otherwise he would have surely already found a way… Right?

"It does for me!" Winry proclaimed proudly, smiling gently to herself.

After a long minute of silence, Ed spoke up again quietly, not wanting to break the peace of the moment.

"Thanks, Win…" And the two children stayed there, on the hill near the river, lying on their backs and watching the few clouds passing by. Winry tried to make out shapes, but it wasn't easy when the sky was almost cloudless.

A few minutes later the girl gave up on that and turned towards Edward, wanting to talk more to kill her boredom, when she saw that he was peacefully asleep. Mouth slightly open and the hand that wasn't still in her hold riding up the edge of his shirt so that his belly was exposed, completely comfortable with the world around him as he snoozed away.

She hadn't heard the quiet, but even snores of the boy until then, but they were like a lullaby to her and soon she was also dosing off, the sight of his sleeping face engraved into her mind as she drifted into dreamland, still not letting go of his warm hand.

Edward would later be unable to explain himself or anyone why he had no trouble sleeping that time, without dreams, fear or angst, much less nightmares. He refused to believe that it had something to do with Winry's hand holding his own or her childish way of getting rid of troubling thoughts.

He told himself that it was because he was exhausted.

Since… he had run a long way just before…! And it wasn't really surprising that he would be tired after a sprint like that with a couple of sleepless nights beforehand…

…

And yet, deep down Ed knew he had discovered his anchor from the chaos around him that day…

* * *

_Okay, so this is the first chapter of my first Fullmetal Alchemist multi-chapter fanfic... And it's EdWin! ^-^ (I hope nobody's too OOC... Anyone care to tell me their opinion in a review? ;D)_

_Honestly, this wasn't supposed to contain so much EdWin, but it seems I just can't not write romance... which is why I had to change the general story line again after having finished this chapter...! XD_

_I don't really know yet when the next chapters will be uploaded... I'm trying to get them done so I can upload one chapter per month, since that's my usual uploading rhythm (and I have a feeling that life's going to be back in full bitch mode as soon as school starts again for me in two weeks), but I can't promise anything yet. The second chapter is almost done, though, so at least that one should be punctual.  
_

_All in all, I think there will be around five chapters, since I already have the general storyline itself planned out in my head...! (I'm always open for suggestions though! XD)  
_

_It should be noted that this story will take place in the storyline of the first anime of FMA and the movie "Conqueror of Shamballa"! (You would've found out later anyway, but just to be sure I'm already telling you now!) There will be massive time gaps between each chapter, but I'm not planning on showing every aspect of Ed and Al's lives in all the years' time. It'll probably be more like a certain situation in a period of their life as a starting point and we'll go from there, kay? I'll try to hint at the timeline at the start of each chapter, though, so it'll be easier to follow along with the storyline.  
_

_Also, I'd like to dedicate this story to my dear friend and sistah~ Telitah, since we first wrote each other exactly one year ago and ever since then she's done so much for me, I don't know what I would've done without her! Thank you very much for all your help and advice, you're an awesome, wonderful person and I'm so glad to have reviewed your story twice and called myself an idiot for it last year! XD _

_Last but not least: I don't own anything I wrote about! Even the ideas belong to the plot bunny hiding under my bed! _

_- Tracy247_


	2. Promise

**Safe Haven**

_Chapter 2 – Promise_

"GAAAH!"Edward shot up in his bed, panting heavily as the nightmare finally dissolved from his mind. Because of his shocked state it took a while to recognize the familiar room in the military dorms in Central instead of the cold and empty scenery still stuck in his mind.

'_Damn it…! That dream again…'_

He cursed the fact that these stupid nightmares still had this much of an effect on him. It was ridiculous! Really, he was the _goddamn freaking Fullmetal Alchemist_ and yet he couldn't even handle a few nightmares?! What kind of ironic joke was that supposed to be…?!

Sure, at least he could sleep again on a somewhat daily basis ever since he passed the entrance exams for the state alchemists (exhaustion kind of does that to you), but that did by no means mean that his dreams had become any less cruel since then.

Quite the contrary; the day the two Elrics tried to revive their mother by using forbidden alchemy proved to be the starting point of even more nightly haunting for Edward. And no rest for his brother at all…

He didn't remember all that much about the time after that fateful day.

He knew that he was brought to the Rockbell residence by Al after having gotten back his soul in exchange for his own right arm and he also remembered collapsing from the extremely high blood loss. Pinako told him that it was pretty much a miracle he even survived that time. (He'd scoffed at the time, because hell would freeze over before he'd let Al deal with this mess on his own, but Ed really couldn't help the shiver running down his spine whenever he let his mind wonder about how often he'd already only narrowly escaped death...)

The time that Colonel Bastard came to 'visit' was when he decided on getting Automail installed to replace his missing limbs so he could right his wrongs and get his little brother's body back. The boy didn't care all that much about his own body; after all he would have two legs to walk on and two arms to fight for his beliefs. That was all he needed. Yeah, he'd still miss feeling the warm sunlight on both of his arms or feeling the grass he was standing on with all of his toes, not just half of them. But Al was more important. As long as he would be able to live normally again, Ed wouldn't complain.

The night after the installation process was the first of many feverish ones while his body slowly adjusted to his mechanical limbs and he learned how to use them. Well, in his opinion it took much too long anyway, but in reality not even Winry could believe he actually managed to control his Automail without any pain after just one short year of rehabilitation instead of the usually needed two years, just like he'd said he would.

But with the fever also came nightmares that would never quite leave him.

Almost immediately after getting the go-ahead from both Rockbells (he didn't know if he should've been surprised or not when Winry's took more effort to gain; after all Pinako was the experienced automail engineer and kind-of-doctor, but Winry was their _friend_) the two brothers made their way to Central where Ed soon became the Fullmetal Alchemist.

Having achieved that much, they began completely immersing themselves into their research without rest, without breaks and without contact to anybody that wasn't necessary to them in that instant. (Al always nagged him about writing the Rockbells a letter or something, but the older Elric just never knew what to write, so he gave up on that after realizing that it was just a waste of time to rack his brains over it anyway if he didn't even have anything to show for it. Even if he did write something, he'd just end up tearing and throwing it away in poorly masked embarrassment.) Not to mention Ed's temperamental character which occasionally (or rather more often than not) lead from joking remarks about his height to outright brawls.

Of course, Ed's still only human body - no matter how metal he really was - could only take so much of a strain, resulting in the boy collapsing on the road one day. Ever since then Al had become the overprotective mother hen that insisted on keeping an eye on his supposedly-big brother's health, since said idiot refused to do so by himself.

"Brother, are you alright?" Ed heard the metallically echoing voice of his younger brother from across the room. He hadn't even noticed that he wasn't alone, but knowing that much now, he had to get his act together. It would not help anybody if he got his brother worried as well.

"Huh? Oh, eh… yeah, I'm fine, Al. Don't worry… I'm gonna go back to sleep now…! Tomorrow's gonna be another long day…"And with that he lay back down, facing away from the metal armor harboring his brother's soul to avoid him noticing that his eyes were still wide open. And they would continue to be for a while, since there was absolutely no way he could go back to sleep after _that_.

"Okay. Sleep well."

"Yeah, g'night…!"Al didn't need to know that, though.

* * *

It really was ridiculous and pathetic and Ed hated to admit it, but nightmares still haunted him. At least nowadays they weren't always about Trisha anymore. Or about _that thing_ they had created when they were trying to get a last glance at their mother's gentle smile.

_Instead he found himself in the dark, with no idea where he was or what he was supposed to do to get out - if there was something like outside - or how to get to someone who knew._

_Voices seemed to reach inside the dark abyss, familiar voices, voices of his friends and co-workers at the military. Telling him that he was to be pitied, that his goal was a lost cause anyway, that if anything he'd kill half Amestris being the trouble-magnet he was before his brother could actually feel something again._

_Ed thought it was the Colonel's voice that told him he was merely training him to be the lapdog of the military he never wanted to be. That he would soon learn to walk over a few corpses without problems if he was ordered to. And then he'd be sent to some war and maybe he'd die there or maybe he'd actually survive but it would never stop tormenting him. But that would be his own fault and at least that way, he'd have died doing something 'useful'._

_Winry's voice would tell him about how he wasn't welcome at her place anymore. She'd merely helped him because she could charge him so much. But really, 'being friends'?! What kind of pathetic reason was that supposed to be? It would be far too much of a hassle to actually care for him! He's all broken and clingy and really, she couldn't care less about him!_

_After having wandered about the place of seemingly endless black for a while trying to block out the voices and hurtful words as best as he could (and failing miserably and __**damn it**__, why did he still hear them with his ears covered?!) he could make out a shape in the far distance. As Ed stepped closer he got a better look at it and noticed that it was the armor in which Al's soul was encased. _

"_Hey, Al! Thank goodness I found you! Do you have any idea where we are?" He would ask excitedly, relief flooding him as he seemed to be alright. The voices would halt mid-sentence with this new-found hope of his. Everything would be alright as long as they were together. That's what they always said and as long as they were together he could hold onto that hope._

"_Why should I tell someone like you?" It sounded as if it was Al's voice speaking to him, but oddly enough it didn't seem to come from the armor in front of him._

"_Huh? What are you talking about, Al? Where are you?" Ed asked, looking around frantically for the source of the somewhat emotionless voice._

"_You're just a good-for-nothing, helpless, egoistical excuse for a person. You aren't even able to get my real body back. Now I'm stuck like this for my entire life, with not even half of my senses. I can't taste, I can't smell, I can't feel… And all the while you enjoy all of these things, rubbing it in my face that I can't do stuff like that…! I even lost my memories! But you don't care about that, do you? You just care about yourself! It's all your fault I ended up like this in the first place…! So why can't you at least get me my body back?!" As Ed found himself unable to react, to break out of his stupor, the familiar voice continued, scoffing out his next words. "To think I used to look up to you! I don't even know what possessed me to be proud of calling you my brother. You don't deserve it. You deserve to live on your own for the rest of your time, with no one to care and no one to help. You especially don't deserve to be happy! Ever! After all you're the reason I can't live a normal life like I always wanted to!"_

"_Al, I-I'm sorry, I-"Ed started to apologize after having ripped himself out of the shocked state his brother's words put him in, but was cut off again. He knew what was coming next and couldn't help but wish the other voices were there again to drown out his brother's. But they remained quiet, seeming to bask in his pain._

"_You're sorry?! Oh, that's rich! You feeling sorry won't get me back my normal body or my normal life for that matter! It's all your fault! Everything! __**I hate you!**__"_

'I hate you…!'

Those words hurt him the most. All those accusations from before were painful too, oh so very painful it felt as if he was going to be ripped apart by the guilt, the pain and the fear, but his brother's last words would really do the job. His heart would literally be ripped in two, tears making their way down his cheeks, both in his dream and the real world.

Ed could never quite reason with his subconscious that Al would never tell him anything like that, that his brother was far too polite and nice and just… not like that! He really wanted to believe that this entire nightmare, along with every other one and this whole damn chaos wasn't real!

But he knew of the truth in Dream-Al's words as he contemplated them during the dark hours of the night while feigning sleep so the real sibling wouldn't become concerned about his good-for-nothing excuse of a big brother.

The nightmares might not be about Trisha anymore or about his memories of when he had almost lost his brother in exchange for some… _thing_, but that didn't mean in the least that they were any better.

* * *

"Brother, what's the matter?" Al asked him tentatively a few hours later as they sat across from each other in a train heading east. It was a silent ride for the most part, well up until now anyway. The older Elric had been so lost in thought about something he didn't even remember… Maybe he hadn't been thinking at all, just letting his mind wander from place to place and simply staring out the window with a blank expression.

Maybe he had already been at their destination, wondering if he'd get another wench thrown at his head as soon as he came into throwing reach even though his automail wasn't even all that busted up. Maybe he had been wondering if anything had changed in the months they were away. Maybe he had been wondering if they were doing alright.

Maybe he had just been thinking about her-

No.

Ed stopped himself from thinking any more about… this. Instead he focused on the what-would've-been-a-confused glance (if the metal armor in front of him was able to show emotions, he added bitterly in his mind) and the one giving it to him.

"Stop worrying so much, Al. Everything's fine. I'm just… thinking about something." He answered the concerned voice of his brother as he sunk lower in his seat with his hands buried deeply into his pockets. The older brother didn't want to worry him. He didn't deserve someone worrying about him, something in the depths of his mind whispered quietly. Much less the person that could barely feel a thing because of him and his goddamn stupidity.

"… Then come on, Brother. Cheer up! Next stop is Risembool!" Al tried to change the subject as he continued looking at the figure on the window seat. The slumped body barely reacted to his words; had it not been for the grunt of acknowledgement he would've been sure that Ed was already back in his own little world. He probably was anyway.

It wasn't that Ed wasn't looking forward to returning to the house where they had been always welcomed ever since they had burned down their home. One might even say that he was genuinely happy to be able to see his childhood friend and her grandmother again.

The problem was that there were other things they should be doing right about now.

Gate knows how the Bastard Colonel got the idea that the Elrics needed a personal day. Or three. Just when he had discovered a new lead too! (So what if he hadn't slept properly in days- well, maybe a week or two?! Dark circles around his eyes didn't prevent him from working, damn it!) But of course, Al had been present when he was told the news and he just couldn't argue with his superior when his little brother was so obviously overjoyed to be returning to Risembool for a few days that would _not_ be spent healing wounds from a vicious fight. So with a vicious glare in his direction (which Al fortunately didn't manage to catch in his joy) he'd agreed begrudgingly and now here they were.

Ed had to manage with the few documents he was allowed to take with him from the National Library in Central for his research so at least the precious time wouldn't be completely wasted. They wouldn't last long, that much was sure, but he hoped that they would at least distract him for a few hours.

* * *

"Edward…!" The low menace reached his ears as the two Elrics walked up the path to 'Rockbell Automail'. As soon as the older one took notice, panic rose inside of him as he futilely tried to demonstrate the girl waiting several yards away that his automail was _not_ in shambles.

Too late.

_Thunk!_

The heavy tool came flying almost with the speed of sound, hitting his forehead and very effectively making Ed fall flat on his back, a good three feet from where he had originally been standing.

"Hey, Winry…!" He heard his brother's voice after the front door had slammed open to reveal the blonde girl, retrieving her wrench in case he would need more of a beating this time around. She seemed to completely ignore the huge metal armor beside him in her rage.

"How many times have I told you, Edward Elric?! If you _spontaneously_ decide to wreck MY PRECIOUS AUTOMAIL at least _call_ and get an appointment, damn it!" The older Elric flinched. Full name basis meant serious trouble. Especially if Winry decided to throw some sarcasm into the bucket as well… But he wasn't one to just back down after being provoked like this.

Just as he was about to bite back at the blond in front of him, though, the voice of his brother interrupted their fight-to-be. "Winry, please calm down-" Without much success…

"CALM DOWN? How am I supposed to calm down when this jerk here has no sense of worth for the hard work I put into his limbs and just goes about ruining it every chance he gets?!"

"If you'd actually taken a look at this _jerk_ before throwing that damned wrench of yours you would've noticed that your _precious automail_ isn't even ruined, you gearhead!" Edward growled out between his teeth as he rubbed his head while slowly standing up. Any rushed movements and he'd keel over with pain.

"He's right, Winry. We're not here for automail repairs. Please, calm down." Al assured her before the girl could even reach for her trusty tool again. The blonde seemed to be quite suspicious about them, though. What in the world were they doing here if not for Ed's automail? (Well, Ed had already asked himself that same question and couldn't come up with an answer yet…)

"Oh, yeah…?" Winry apparently didn't really know what to say. She finally settled on leading the way into the house. "Then just come on in."

This was probably the first time in years that Ed didn't get carried through this door by his brother or followed the other two half an hour after being knocked out by Winry's wrench throwing skills. He would like to say that he could get used to it again, but considering the rate at which his automail was wearing out and Winry's temper about the precious metal limbs… That was highly unlikely.

The house didn't change at all since they'd last been here. Same old furniture, same old hag sitting at the kitchen table, same old tools lying around in more or less controlled disorder. But Winry changed. At first Ed wasn't sure what it was that looked - or rather felt - so differently about her. She just seemed unlike how he remembered her. When she turned around to say something, though, his eyes drifted over her body in search of the change.

_When did she get so…?_

His eyes nearly bulged out and his face took on a nearly unhealthy shade of red as his thoughts processed. This was _Winry_ he was talking about! You weren't supposed to think like that about your childhood friend!

"… -mail, okay?" Winry's voice suddenly reached him, ripping him out of his carnal thoughts – which he should damn well be able to suppress! – but he didn't have the slightest idea what she was talking about.

"Huh…?" Resulting in his rather unintelligent reply. He really had to learn to not get this caught up by her appearance, damn it!

"I said," Winry sighed out annoyed, "that I still want to take a look at your arm and leg, so come to the workshop sometime around the afternoon, alright?" Edward nodded mutely to give her his approval. (He didn't want to trust his voice to actually have to work correctly right now, much less his brain to form a comprehensible sentence…)

He'd just have to remind himself of what Dream-Al told him.

_He didn't deserve anyone to care for him._

_He didn't deserve to be happy._

_Much less with Winry…!_

* * *

Later in the afternoon, Winry was sitting in her workshop, just about finished with her current order of an automail hand when her gaze caught onto the clock while she was stretching. Where was Ed? It was already 7 PM and she hadn't seen him at all ever since the two Elrics had arrived just after lunch, except for the glance she had stolen of Ed stuffing his face with leftovers before she returned to work. (Yes, it was just a glance. Of course she hadn't spent a whole five minutes watching him!) Dinner would be ready soon and the way she knew her childhood friend, he wouldn't be bothered to worry about his automail after that.

So with one last look out the window – she hadn't even realized how dark it was outside – the girl left her workshop in search of a certain blonde alchemist.

She didn't have to look for him very long. On her way to the kitchen, where she suspected him to be anxiously awaiting the stew Granny Pinako had promised him, she noticed Al standing in front of the couch, carefully covering his brother's seemingly motionless form with his familiar red coat.

Winry tried to hide the stricken smile spreading on her face. It was heart-warming with how much devotion Al tried to take care of his brother, how much he wanted to help his brother, even if Ed would never let him do so while he was conscious. However, it was even worse imagining how much pain Ed had to go through in his determination to get his brother's body back.

When Al noticed her standing in the doorway, he signaled her that he wanted to go outside, maybe take a walk, so he wouldn't disturb Ed with the loud metal clanks his armor gave off whenever he moved. Sneaking towards the door as quietly as possible for him after Winry had nodded in understanding, the two blonds were left alone.

The mechanic took this peaceful moment to study the boy in front of her, looking as relaxed as she hadn't seen him for years. His torso was lying on the couch, right arm and leg dangling off to the side, while she presumed his left arm to have ridden up his shirt like he always did in his sleep judging by the slight lump over his stomach. His head was propped up against the armrest, lips having parted slightly as quiet, even, deep breaths passed between them, eye lids fluttering a little every once in a while when he moved his eyes beneath them.

He was dead asleep.

_He looks so young… and innocent…_

Winry didn't know when she had last seen him so exposed, so vulnerable, although she presumed it was that time all those years ago, before the_ incident_, when she'd tried to cheer Ed up by throwing his book into the river... and ended up falling asleep with him on the hill.

Sighing, Winry knelt down next to the boy's head, unable to resist running her hands lightly through his bangs, gently brushing at his forehead from time to time, just like she always did when he was trying to get used to the pain of reattaching his nerves when she connected his automail. The stubborn alchemist of course never told her if it helped him, but she wanted to hope that she was able to support him somehow when not even comforting words would reach him…

It always hurt her as well, knowing that he was feeling so much agony while she could merely sit beside him, trying to distract him even the slightest bit until he'd grunt lowly and fall unconscious because of exhaustion. And even then she wouldn't leave him.

The girl stayed for a while longer, before deciding that she'd better help her grandmother with dinner.

Checking on his arm and leg would have to wait until tomorrow. After all, Al had told her that they wouldn't be leaving until the day after tomorrow to catch the train back to Central.

Maybe they should spend some time together while they're here without any pressure of getting back to work…? It wasn't like the childhood friends got a chance like this all that often nowadays, with the boys always running all over the country.

Nodding to herself, the girl stood up and quietly made her way to the kitchen.

* * *

How he _loved_ this couch…!

For some reason, the old cushions were just so comfortable to nap on, Ed could never quite resist whenever he found the time to get a little rest. And this nap in particular - which conveniently lasted from lunch till dinner - he realized, had actually been more desperately needed than he would've liked to admit. He didn't remember when he had been feeling this well-rested for the last time.

As the delicious smell of dinner wafted around his nose, though, he found himself standing up in an almost trance-like state as he wandered towards the kitchen.

His thoughts stayed on the mysterious piece of furniture however.

How was it possible that he never had any trouble sleeping there, when not even his bed in the Rockbell house had nearly the same effect…?

He was pretty sure that it didn't have anything to do with the fact that this was where he always rested for a few minutes after getting his limbs reattached. The pain of nerves being connected to the cold, unfeeling metal surely wasn't the happy memory he associated with the couch. In fact, he wasn't even able to notice anything about his surroundings whenever that happened because he was busy suppressing his screams. Well, most of the time anyway.

He did remember one time when he felt warm soft hands touching his face and hair while he fought to not succumb to the pain. Winry - he was pretty sure he could distinguish her soft hands from the old hag's wrinkly ones and Al's gauntlets…! - would stay with him until he'd feel better, her gentle comfort distracting him to the point of getting lost in thought about her.

"-what do you think, Ed?" Just like now, it seemed. The older Elric hadn't even noticed that the girl of his dre- the _mechanic_ had been talking at all.

"Huh? Oh yeah, that's great, Winry!" He responded distractedly. Honestly, Ed had no idea what he'd just agreed to, but he could care less about it. It's not like she would propose anything that might actually hurt him or anything… right?

Whatever, he didn't really care about that. What really caught his attention at the moment was the pot of stew being placed on the dinner table by the old hag in that moment.

* * *

The next day found Winry and Alphonse standing in front of the couch, much like they had the day before. And just like the day before, Ed was knocked out on the couch.

"Seriously, what does he do at night to be this tired in the middle of the day?" Winry asked herself rather than anyone else, knowing that Ed wouldn't wake up anytime soon. "And how come he's always here anyway? He's got a bed for all I know…!"

"Actually…" Al's voice vibrated and echoed from his metal armor as he spoke quietly, still trying to not disturb his sleeping brother. That caught Winry by surprise, though. Did he really know something she didn't…? (Well, _duh_, who else if not him?!)

"What is it, Al?"

"You see… Brother's always working late at night." At her quizzical glance the boy elaborated, his eyes never leaving his older sibling. "He's had trouble sleeping for a while now, so he opts to work on his research instead, because he doesn't want me- us to know about his insomnia. And when I tell him to get some rest, he's always saying that he just wanted to finish this or that and then suddenly it's morning and he's successfully evaded another night of sleep with a sheepish apology and wondering how time flies when you're working hard." Winry could certainly understand Al's frustration about this. It must be awful to watch his stubborn fool of a brother work himself silly only to have him passing out in the middle of the day, unable to _do anything_ about it.

"… Idiot!" Winry sighed at the sleeping teen as she knelt down beside him to admire his peaceful face while she could, but refraining herself from touching his face. She wasn't entirely sure why she didn't feel comfortable doing that in front of Al. Maybe because she couldn't very well do the same to the younger Elric as well, as much as she'd like to.

"Do you think we should wake him up?" Al's careful question was answered by an almost unnoticed shake of her head. "But you even went through all the trouble to bake him an apple pie…!"

"It's alright, Al. We can always eat it here as well, whenever this pipsqueak decides to wake up." Giggling at Ed's unconscious grimace when she mentioned his height, Winry really had to wonder how much this boy really noticed while asleep. He couldn't be awake, though, or else he'd have already half-way inhaled the afore-mentioned pie waiting in her picnic basket.

Honestly, if Ed still had that much of a problem with his sleeping habits, she'd rather he rest while he can. Even if that meant they wouldn't be able to enjoy that picnic she'd prepared. His health was more important…!

If only he could understand that as well…

"Ngh…!" As her eyes refocused on the blonde in front of her at his low grunt, she caught Ed stretching his body sluggishly before settling back into the cushions more comfortably, a content sigh leaving his lips as he did so. Winry couldn't help but smile lightly.

It was good to see he was able to relax like that, at least once in a while.

* * *

"You could've woken me up, y'know…!" Ed grumbled as he sat there in Winry's workshop watching said girl poke at this or that wire, test out each of his joints, oil the parts that seemed to have a little too much friction for her liking. It was by no means a new sight and neither was the determined look of absolute concentration on her face, but it seemed the boy was just unable to turn his gaze away.

He didn't know what it was about her. Just that somehow, she was different and not just in her… body shape.

"We could've, yes. But Al and I decided not to." The mechanic answered half-heartedly, allowing Ed to somewhat get rid of the blush adorning his cheeks before he responded.

"Why didn't you?"

"… Al told me about how you were having trouble sleeping, so I thought you could use the rest." Winry sighed, halting her movements of checking his arm for a moment. She was getting too distracted by this conversation to focus on any errors she might find in his automail. And if she could help it she'd like to avoid another fiasco like that time he ended up in hospital because she'd forgotten a screw.

"Oh…" Edward kept quiet after that, though.

It was silent for a few minutes, except for the sounds of mechanical limbs being strained and moved this way and that way again, the girl now standing behind him.

"Thanks, I guess…" It wasn't very often that Edward Elric openly thanked her even if it was just mumbled into the silence of the room, so Winry took it in stride embracing the warm feeling flooding her insides. She'd need all the encouragement she could get for what she was about to say.

"I still wish you'd take better care of yourself…" She tried to hint nonchalantly, but her voice betrayed the sadness she felt at the state of his body and soul. The girl wasn't sure how much more of a burden, how much more pain and suffering he could take – and she didn't want to imagine what would happen once it was too much for him. Because he might be strong – stronger than any other person she'd met in her young life – but he'd had to grow up far too quickly. He was 15 years old, for crying out loud and yet his mind tortured him like an old war dog, unable to forget the images of the battlefield! What if one of these days all the horrors of his past haunted him to the point where he can't protect himself anymore? What if Al was to be absent in a moment like that? And what if somebody… decided to use this vulnerability…?

"Win-" She didn't let him interrupt. If she didn't say this now, she wasn't sure if she'd ever get another chance!

"I know. I know it's not that easy! Because you're a part of the military… I know that…!" Her voice grew thicker with every word as tears collected in her ocean blue eyes. Damn it, she didn't mean to cry in front of him…! Trying to steady her breathing and forcing down her tears, she continued. "But I'm just so worried about you. Every time you leave you get into some kind of trouble, always living in danger, sometimes only surviving by a hair's breadth of luck…!" Winry had to swallow thickly and take another calming breath before she could continue. "I just… Every time you leave, I'm afraid that I won't see you again…!"

She couldn't keep the tears at bay anymore. As soon as she had finished, salty drops poured out of her eyes and down her cheeks and no attempt to regain her composure could repair the broken dam that had been built after the loss of her parents. Sobs racked her body as the girl tried frantically to wipe away the tears because she knew how much Ed hated them, but it was futile.

Memories of her parents' backs walking out of sight all those years ago blurred together with Ed and Al's figures disappearing over the hills of Risembool the exact same way, until she couldn't decide which image was making her cry so hysterically. Losing her parents the way she did was already hard enough…! She couldn't stand to lose more people she loved to the military!

Ed didn't know what to do. He'd always hated it when Winry cried – especially because of him – but there wasn't much of anything he could do to ease her worries. After all, everything she'd said was the truth to some degree. He was a trouble magnet and it didn't really matter whether it was caused by his research or his bad luck, he did always end up hurt some way or another. There was nothing to change that for as long as he'd search for a way to get his brother's body back like he swore to himself, he'd have to continue this journey with all of its dangers and risks.

The sound of her crying – because he didn't dare turn around to look at her – was too much for him, though.

"Win, listen…" Ed risked a glance over his shoulder – and regretted it instantly. If just hearing her cry had broken his heart, _seeing_ her do so ripped it into a thousand little pieces and scattered them like confetti, never to be assembled to a whole again.

"What is it?! Don't start lying to me by saying that it's not true!" The girl was hysterical now as her emotions flooded out all at once without her permission. "I've had enough of consoling lies and empty promises that 'Everything's going to be okay'!"

"I'm not lying to you, Winry!" Ed interrupted her as he stood up abruptly, taking a hold of her shoulders to get her to understand, really understand, what he was trying to say. "Listen, what I'm telling you right now isn't just for show, okay? I mean it!" He waited for her silent nod before continuing, also taking the time to gather his thoughts, lest he say something unreasonable. "I've _always done_ and _always will_ do my best to come back home! For as long as I can, I'll do everything I can to return to you together with Al, so don't go spouting nonsense like that, got that?!" Ed decided to pointedly ignore the way he'd unconsciously equated 'home' with the girl in front of him, in favor of not turning into a tomato and remaining responsive in their conversation.

"Ed…" Her tears were still flowing down her cheeks as hiccups prevented her from saying any more. Realizing that he'd grabbed her a little too roughly in his attempt to get her attention, the boy quickly loosened his grip on her arms, fearing he'd hurt her to the point of making her shed tears in pain.

"I'm sorry, Winry…" Ed wasn't entirely sure if he was apologizing for the physical or emotional pain he made her suffer through. "But you don't honestly think that I'm going to leave things unfinished here with Al, right? I've got a job I need to get done. I need to get his body back to normal. Before that happens, there's no way I'd let anything or anyone kill me just like that…!" Reassuring and light-hearted as his words were meant to be, they seemed to be useless with the way he phrased them, at least with Winry's mind still over-analyzing his every word in her fear of losing the alchemist.

"But what about once you've accomplished that goal…?"

"Don't be silly...! Once everything's over, there won't be anything to prevent me from coming home, of course! Don't worry so much, okay?" He told her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, hoping with every fiber of his being that he was right, if only to stop making this girl suffer so much.

"… Can you promise me something either way?" Her request didn't seem to make much sense to Ed, since she'd yelled at him about getting pissed because of all those empty promises not five minutes ago. In the end, though, the boy decided that he'd do her the favor as long as it helped her calm down. "Promise me you'll always try to return to me, no matter what will happen, no matter how often you have to try, no matter how unlikely the chances of success are… Promise me you won't give up on coming home…! Never!"

The young man couldn't help but feel relieved that she hadn't asked him to promise that he would _always come back_. Because he'd have felt like he was telling her exactly those empty words she despised so much. He couldn't know for sure that he'd always come back to her. He was entering far too dangerous a mission to lightheartedly make a promise like that. It wasn't even just a matter of danger, he realized. Something could always happen to him outside of battle. He could always get hurt.

But Ed would always fight to see her again.

Until the very end.

"I promise, Winry."

* * *

_So, here's the second chapter of "Safe Haven"! I hope you enjoyed reading this far. Tell me how you liked it in a review, please~? *wink wink*  
_

_Gosh, at first this chapter was so much shorter... and then the last part happened! XD I didn't have the heart to leave it out, though, since I kinda really like that idea...! Although I'm not entirely sure if everyone stayed IC, especially Winry's part kinda worries me. What do you think?_

_Many thanks for supporting me by following and favoriting this story or even me: __ Cutiepie120048, Telitah, skystormstar, Anarion Star-Dragon, HKSmallz and TigerDragon4!_

_Also, thanks so much for taking the time to review: Cutiepie120048 and Telitah!_

_Hopefully, the next upload will be punctual... I apologize in advance if it takes a little longer...! I want to be proud of what I publish though and I want to do my best to write the best story I can for my dear readers! :)_

_Last but not least: I don't own anything. Seriously, even the idea belongs to the plot bunny hiding under my bed!_

_- Tracy247  
_


	3. Homesickness

**Safe Haven**

_Chapter 3 - Homesickness_

"_Damn it! Why doesn't this work?!_" Furiously crumbling the innocent piece of paper between his metal hand, Ed raked his flesh fingers through his loosely held up hair. He glanced at the clock on the wall and cursed under his breath with a sigh. Another day gone to waste and he was not a step further than he'd been the day before. In fact he'd been at that same damn point for _months_ now! He'd been trying to work this out for so long now but no matter what he did, he never got to the point to even consider a theory _not absolutely crazy_!

Maybe it really was impossible for him to return home...

No, he couldn't think like that!

He'd gotten here somehow, there had to be a way to go back as well! Even if he'd never even heard of this _here_ before getting stuck in this world. He just had to find out how to get back to Amestris, back to his brother and his best friend, his more-or-less adoptive grandmother, his coworkers from the military...

The former alchemist scowled even more at the thought that he hadn't seen them in over a year now. He'd left her- _them _waiting for so long already again and it didn't sit well with him at all. Of course, he was already concentrating all of his efforts into getting back, day in and day out but he just didn't seem to get anywhere with his research. But aside from the fact that apparently no one had ever even heard of his world either which meant that he'd have to start from scratch, the only person he knew to be stuck in the same situation was Hohenheim. And that one didn't seem all that eager to return to their world.

Sure, he too had learned to get used to this new environment but he was in no position to just resign and continue his life here as if nothing ever happened.

No, there was too much he still had to do. There was his promise to Winry which he planned to fulfill because _damn it_, he was the Fullmetal Alchemist and he didn't break his promises. And this world just hurt too much.

He'd seen so many familiar faces in the short year he'd been in Germany. At every corner there was someone he'd seen before, be it a vendor from his preferred bakery who'd always saved some of their delicious pastries for him or a lieutenant who'd delivered a message to him before or a little girl who'd always played with her friends near Central HQ.

They were all here.

And soon, it hurt to see their faces because they'd just remind him of how far away his world and all these people he saw in them really were and how much he really missed being back there with them in the familiarity only Amestris could provide him with, no matter how kind the people here were.

In fact, oftentimes Ed felt like crying exactly because the people in Germany were _too_ kind, because then he'd just think about how these people had to suffer in order for alchemy to work in his world! He'd indirectly brought so much suffering to these people, or maybe he'd profited from their pain - he wasn't entirely sure about the principle of energy exchange between the two sides of the gate yet - but it made him feel awful, awfully guilty.

"Urgh! Concentrate, you dumbass!" Ed cursed violently, fisting his hair in frustration again. He didn't have time to sit around doing nothing! He had to figure this out first, _then_ maybe he could allow himself to rest a little...

A knock on the door to his room interrupted his thoughts (well, as far as you could count the various vulgarities he screamed mentally as such).

"What?!" He ground out, seriously pissed off at his own inability to resolve this godforsaken situation of his. As the young man's father entered the room, his scowl deepened even further because nothing good ever came of the days that Hohenheim wanted to _talk_ (more like lecture him). "What do you want? In case you forgot, I'm in the middle of something here..."

"That's exactly what I want to talk about, Edward." Ed shot him a murderous glare, but it seemed the older man was already used to such treatment as he just continued on without so much as a twitch. "You're overworked, always stressed and frustrated with yourself and if you don't take a break once in a while, you'll really start not being able to do anything... I'm concerned about your health, son."

"Oh, _cut the crap_, old man! You and I both know that you haven't been concerned about Al, me or even Mom for _years_! Don't you dare start to pretend you do now!" The blonde teen hissed between his teeth, obviously keeping himself from physically hurting the man. It wasn't exactly easy for Ed to forgive and forget, even if Hohenheim was the only other person from his world. There was too much he couldn't just turn a blind eye on, starting with him leaving Trisha. If it hadn't been for his father walking out on them, who knows if she'd even still be alive right now...? Everything would've been different...

"Edward... I mean it." Hohenheim's attempt at calming down his son did nothing but the exact opposite, though.

"Well, so do I! Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to continue...!" Ed was this close to wanting to throttle the man. Did he not see how important this was to him?! Goddamnit, at least he still fought to return instead of simply giving up like he did!

"Listen to me! If you want to make it back to Amestris then you need to take better care of yourself. Nothing is going to come of you working yourself to death, depriving yourself of sleep and missing out on meals...!" Why should he listen to someone who had never even tried to listen to him?! Never even tried to understand why he acted the way he did? Why should he listen to a man who might as well be a stranger...? He didn't know _shit _about him! "I know that you're determined to do this. I'm not saying anything against it. I know that if you set your mind to something, you will figure out a way to make it work. You are my son after all. But I must ask of you to reconsider your working schedule, for your own sake and for those you want to return to, if nothing else..."

Oh, so suddenly, he transformed into the _perfect little daddy_?! One who worried about his son, but supported him nevertheless? Who was _proud_ of his son? Who suddenly understood his son after all?

_My ass, he cares!_

"... Just get the hell out of here!" Catching one last glance of the blonde as he left his son's room, Hohenheim couldn't help the sigh escaping him when Ed instantly went back to tearing at his hair. When would that boy finally learn to relax once in a while...?

* * *

The picture of his mom was still too fresh in his mind, Edward found out. Well, not the one of his mother, but Sloth's when she was evaporating after he'd transmuted her fluid body into ethanol. But she looked like her. Much like Alfons Heiderich's mother also looked almost exactly like his mother did.

_Well, of course she does. She's Alfons' mother and therefore... Mom's counterpart..._

Yes, he'd met her. Patricia Heiderich. Alfons had taken him to see her once and Ed, trying to swallow the gut-wrenching feeling, had spent a few minutes talking to her when the two boys had been bringing her some groceries since she'd caught a cold and was unable to get them herself.

She was kind, just like Edward remembered his own mother to be. An unbelievably relaxing presence and a smile that made you forget your worries, just for a few seconds. Of course, it was awkward that she only saw him as a man who looked like a twin of her dead son. But then again, he could barely keep himself from thinking of her as his dead mother...

_Seriously, all of these women looking like Mom aren't very helpful with keeping my sanity...!_

No, they definitely weren't.

Aside from his day dreams about _what could've been_ (which _didn't get him anywhere so he'd be so much better off just stopping!_) they also appeared in his nightmares.

Sometimes it was the _thing_ he and his brother had transmuted that wouln't stop cackling sardonically _'Are you happy now, my little man?'_ while pointing in the direction where Al had been kneeling next to him but a few minutes ago. Sometimes it was Alfons' mom who'd accuse him of killing her son and she was _right_ and it _hurt_. But most often of all, he saw Sloth. Except that it wasn't Sloth evaporating, it was his mom. And she was begging him to save him and again, he couldn't do a damn thing. And then there were the dreams where none of them appeared.

And Ed experienced those to be even worse.

_At first there would only be voices. A gentle conversation between familiar voices, yet he could neither relate them to the people they belonged to, nor could he understand what they were saying. It seemed peaceful, though. No accusations, no fighting, no hurting... No death..._

_Then, there would be flashes of the scene. Each visible just for a split second. Then darkness again._

_Winry and Al. Al still in the empty armor. _

_Darkness. So he didn't get his body back. It hadn't been enough after all...! Damn it...!_

_Suddenly, a figure with a shadowed face appeared. His weapon already drawn and clutched tightly in his hands. Pointed at Winry. _

_Darkness. What did he want with her?!_

_Al's voice telling her to hide. Winry refusing._

_Darkness. Stupid stubborn girl...! _

_Al trying to disarm the attacker. Seemingly successful._

_Darkness. _

_Suddenly, a scream._

_"AL!" Winry's voice. Repeating that name, again and again, each time more desperate._

_Darkness. What the hell happened?! Al, you better be freaking joking right now or bluffing or something...! _

_The attacker cornering Winry. Weapon still in his hand. Winry's terrified eyes._

_Darkness. Damn it all to hell! What happened with Alphonse? Why couldn't he help them?!_

_Al's armor. Lying on the floor. No light in his eyes._

_Darkness. No, Al...! It can't be...! _

_More darkness. You can't! You can't be...!_

_Even more darkness. Who's going to protect Winry?!_

_"Ed..." Winry's voice. A weak whisper. Almost spiritless. A gurgle in her voice. _

_Darkness. No! Not you too! Please tell me it's not too late!_

_Winry's body. Lying on the floor. No attacker in sight anymore. Blood oozing from her head wound and dripping down her lips. A knife stuck in her abdomen. That wound bleeding terribly as well. _

_But there was still something in her eyes. There was still light in her eyes. There was still hope._

_"Help me... Ed...!" _

_No light._

_No darkness. The image didn't fade. It stayed, burning itself into his memory until he could even see it vividly after he woke up._

And he'd wake up, covered in cold sweat gasping for air. That image was still all he could see.

He couldn't see his desk strewn with papers or the hopeless mess of the study or the moonlight making its way into the room through the window.

All he could see was death.

* * *

Truth was, he knew that Hohenheim was right _to some degree_. It was true that he didn't eat or sleep much, but it was nowhere near the amount of all-nighters he'd pulled in the past. It wasn't even near the point where his mother hen of a brother had started openly showing his concern about his habits. He knew that killing himself with insomnia wasn't going to cut it when he was trying to figure out how to return to Amestris. He'd need all the energy he could get to do this...!

After falling asleep at his desk sometime during the night, he'd wake up a few hours later and lie down in his bed instead. And while he was certain not to fall asleep again, it sure as hell was more comfortable!

No, sleep was out of the question for Ed right now. Sometimes he was able to shake off the dreams about Mrs. Heiderich and slept until morning, but even those nights were scarce and far in between.

The one about Al and Winry... wasn't that easily gotten rid of. If he didn't keep his brain in intense activity - mostly by trying to think of new theories about the workings of the Gate - the images would return. His mind would shut down completely and in the end it would equal another nightmare all over again.

Al and Winry.

Al's armor.

The attacker.

The screams.

The lifeless armor.

Winry...

No, Ed couldn't allow himself to lose another night after already having spent the entire day running from one dead end into the next one. He needed to get out of this maze.

He needed to go home.

After all, he'd made a promise to Winry that he wouldn't give up, to always do his best to return to her, to fight to see her again until the very end. Most of all, though, he missed them. He missed Al, Winry, the old hag, Den, his coworkers- no, his friends... And dare he say it, he even kinda missed bickering with the Bastard Colonel...!

Edward missed that they knew him. Sure, he could get to know and befriend their counterparts just as he had done to them. But it would never be the same. _They_ wouldn't be the same. They wouldn't be the people he'd spent pretty much all his life with. They wouldn't share the childhood memories he had made with their counterparts. They wouldn't understand the insider jokes he'd been taught by their counterparts. They wouldn't know him the way their counterparts did.

There he went again, thinking about that...

It wasn't as if it was getting him anywhere , so why was he still wasting so much time?! Every time he'd think about it, about how none of the people here really knew him, about how they never would... it hurt.

It hurt so much.

Because deep down, he didn't want to get to know these people. He really just wanted to return to the ones who already knew him, to the people he loved and cherished and wanted to protect.

But hurting won't let him return.

The probability of the Gate just showing up and taking pity on him might as well be zero.

And even if it weren't, Edward Elric wouldn't want pity. Pity would mean he was too weak. Pity would mean he hadn't given it everything he could, because he was _sure_ there was a way. Pity would mean he had broken his promise.

No, he was determined to figure this out on his own.

Al might not be around to share his ideas, his ideals, his dreams with. Winry might not be around to fire him up and clear his mind with a few comments about his height and a clunk on the head with the wrench he'd given her once. Granny might not be around to bark at him to rest up before he collapsed in the hallway because she would leave him there if he did. Den might not be around to whine at him sadly and lick his hand when he missed out on a meal because he was too lost in thought to even hear the others call for him. Hawkeye, Breda, Havoc, Falman, Fuery, Sheska and Major Armstrong might not be around to have his back when trouble decided to follow him around again. The Colonel Bastard might not be around to... annoy the hell out of him.

They might not be around to support him (in whatever strange way).

But he will find a way back to _have them around again_.

He _will_ figure this out.

He _will_ see them again.

He _**will**_ go home.

* * *

_This is short. And late. And kinda plotless. And I'm sorry about that. I feel stupid for publishing this but I felt even stupider whenever I sat in front of an empty document, typed down a sentence or two and immediately deleted them again because nothing came out the way I wanted it to. So I guess this is as good as the chapter will get. (I didn't think so but it's kinda hard writing about this time span which is summed up within five minutes in the anime/movie...)  
_

_ I can assure you the next chapter will probably be twice as long as this one. _

_I hope you at least enjoyed this chapter a little. Tell me what you think in a review if you find the time! :)_

_The dream (or rather the way I described it) was inspired by the AMV "What fades away" by Vinurify on Youtube to the song "No light, no light" by Florence + the Machine. If you don't know his/her works, you should check them out! They're fantastic in my opinion!_

_Thank you for taking the time to review this story: Digi-fanCapp and MartialArtsDancer! _

_Also, great thanks to everyone who has decided to fave or follow this story: owlcitylover, Yorokobi Asahi, Medieval Melody and MartialArtsDancer!_

_Thank you all very much for your support!_

_And last but not least: I don't own anything. Seriously, even the ideas belong to the plot bunny hiding under my bed!_

_- Tracy247_


	4. Regrets

**Safe Haven**

_Chapter 4 – Regrets_

Her white dress played with the wind as the dark-skinned girl twisted and twirled around and around in her dance, her arms following along to the music with graceful movements. Her face showed nothing but sorrow as she pivoted on her feet in a trance of rhythm and raw emotion. The people around her, dressed in black to show their quiet mourning, couldn't help but be mesmerized at the beautiful ritual of the Sinti and Roma. All except for one that is.

Ed's mind was elsewhere.

He couldn't help but think about the young man who had taken him in when they'd barely known each other. The man he'd almost considered his brother for two years. The man who had even believed his crazy story to some extent. At the very least, he'd believed it enough to _sacrifice his_ _life_ to allow Edward to return to Amestris.

Alfons Heiderich.

Just a few days ago the two blonds had been casually sitting at dinner table, discussing the recent success with their experiments on their rocket while the dancer idly prepared tea for them.

The world had seemed so... _normal_ then.

And then all kinds of shit decided to go down, with a speed that it now seemed to him like everything had happened in a blur.

First, the mess with Mabusa, then the whole 'Shamballa' talk from that crazy woman from Thule Society, somehow talking to his brother by using that armor who looked like the one he'd been forced to call his body for far too long, the whole National Socialist Movement, seeing his father being killed right in front of him...

And suddenly, he'd been back. Back in Amestris. Back in Central. Back home.

Noah had told him when they first met that he didn't have a home. That wasn't true and Ed knew it ever since he'd been thrown into this world for the second time. It had been so foolish to simply state he didn't anymore, just because he'd burned his old house in a childish act of trying to cover up the fact that he was running away from his past. He _did_ have a home. It had merely been out of reach for him at the time.

Just like now.

Ed still couldn't believe it. He'd been back in Amestris, had seen the people he cared for most, only to leave them again.

Only to leave _her_ again...

Damn it! He'd seen her, he'd talked to her, she'd _hugged_ him, she'd even given him new automail limbs which she'd been lugging around for who the hell knows how long and _he still left her_! Even though Al and Mustang had been trying to make him reconsider, even though he'd known how much he would regret his decision the moment they had uttered her name... he'd still left her in favor of trying to save the world she called home.

Even if no place would ever be his home again unless _she_ was there with him.

But he knew how impossible that was and he accepted the fact that he would never truly return home. And although thinking like that didn't make it hurt any less, Edward still hoped that one day he could look back at his life, at all the things he did to help others, at all the mistakes he did, and at everything in between without drowning in regrets.

It would always hurt. He knew that.

But he needed to learn to deal with the pain or else...

It would destroy him.

* * *

"Ed...?" The young man was ripped out of his thoughts by a voice calling him. A familiar voice.

_Wait! Was that...?_

It was.

It had turned dark in the hours Ed spent standing in front of Alfons' grave almost by himself, lost in thought with his mind oddly blank, the last wisps of light from the sunset slowly disappearing from the sky long after the rest of the funeral guests did as the young man slowly turned around to look at the one uttering his name, ignoring the fact that Al beside him seemed just as shocked.

And there she was. He couldn't see very much against the light, but he could see that the woman in front of him... was _her_. He'd never forget the way she held herself, the way her voice played around his name, the way her locks of gold blew in the gentle breeze...

_Wait._

_How in the hell did she get here?!_

"Winry...?" It was just a whisper, lost in the air between them, but the recognition in his face must've been enough for the girl for she took off to breech the few feet between them as fast as she could. As she reached him and let herself fall into his waiting arms, though, Ed found that something was different, though.

"Oh, Ed, you're alive! I knew it! I always believed that you were, no matter how many people told me you died that night...!" The girl ranted into his neck, having buried her face there to take all of him in, to fully enjoy the way he held her, while Ed found himself merely staring at her in a dumbstruck stupor. What was she talking about? It didn't make any sense! Winry just kept on mumbling to herself, though, oblivious to his confusion. Maybe she'd suffered a light case of amnesia after coming to this world? Seeking help, Ed glanced at his brother who seemed to understand something he didn't, judging from the knowing, but sad smile on his face.

What was going on? Anyone mind enlightening him?!

"Ed? Hey, Edgar, are you alright? You don't look so well..." As Ed looked down to meet her eye before answering, he finally took notice.

He was taller than her!

They had been equal in height that last time back in Amestris - he'd made sure that she wasn't wearing heeled shoes or anything - so how come that all of a sudden he outgrew her by a few inches?! It was impossible. And wasn't her hair longer? Now that he thought about it, it wasn't even the same shade of blond! The same thing applied for her eyes! And... why did she keep calling him 'Edgar'...?

That was when it dawned on him.

_This wasn't his Winry..._

"Ed?" But she looked so much like her, so much that it was almost painful to keep looking at her the way he was but at the same time he didn't want to look away either. Just for a second longer he wanted to go back a few seconds in time, back to the bliss he'd felt when he'd believed her to be his Winry. Because this might not be the girl he loved, but he surmised it was as close to her as he would get for a long while, if not ever.

"Win-..." No, this had to stop! It wouldn't help anybody if he lost himself in a fantasy. No matter how much she looked like his Winry, no matter how right it felt to hold her in his arms, this was not her! And he wasn't her Edgar! Knowing that, there was no way he'd let himself be overcome by the fact that he missed her. Pushing the now utterly confused girl away gently but resolutely, Ed couldn't help but feel bad for having to break this girl's heart. "I'm sorry, but... I'm not the guy you know."

"What do you mean? You look just like him, you have to be him! Did you hit your head and get yourself a case of amnesia or something? Don't worry we'll recover your memories. Everything will be fine again...!" She must've known this world's Edgar really well if she was this desperate to see him again... But then again, what other explanation would anyone come up with in a situation like this...? Hell, he'd thought the same just a minute ago...! He needed to set this straight, Edward realized, any more confusion and false hopes would be too much for him. And who knows, if she was anything like her counterpart from Amestris, this girl might be willing to believe them instead of calling the authorities to cart them to the local loony bin. He hoped she would.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not Edgar. My name's Edward. Edward Elric. I... I'm not from around here." Her disbelieving, incredulous gaze told him that he'd have to go a little more into detail if he wanted her to actually be convinced by his story. "It's kind of a long story." Kind of. Yeah. That was probably the understatement of the century.

A raised eye brow urged him to start explaining, but he didn't really know how to say this.

"How about we discuss this somewhere else? The cemetery doesn't appear to be an appropriate place for discussions like this, does it?" Al finally decided to throw himself into the conversation as well and Ed wasn't sure if he'd ever felt as relieved to not be on his own.

"... Alright, I guess."

* * *

"So you're trying to tell me that there's an _alternate universe_ with people who look just like the ones here, but the whole world is _different_, yet you speak what we call _English_ as a native tongue and there's some kind of _mysterious power called alchemy_ that brought you two here even though you're _actually_ from that other world...?" This girl was trying really hard to wrap her head around all the stuff they had tried explaining to her, Ed could tell that much. She wouldn't have tried to understand all that stuff if she didn't. She would've laughed it off and called the cops like he hoped she wouldn't. But would she actually believe them their crazy story?

"That's right." Al agreed while his brother nodded solemnly, still anxious about how she would react, even though he didn't really know her. She just reminded him too much of Winry. He could hardly look at her without thinking about his mechanic - and realized time and time again how painful it must've been for the girl to be called something so impersonal, even though they were actually childhood friends (at the very least).

"... You have to admit, that sounds like some seriously weird crap you're trying to make me buy...!" Winifred - because that was what she was actually called and that was also the reason why she'd reacted to the nickname; because fate was just too cruel to just let him live in this world without not only having to see her face again but also calling her almost the same name as the one he whispered in his sleep (according to Noah anyway) - laughed out without any real humor and Ed could just guess the kind of headache she was suffering from right now. He sure as hell had one massively throbbing skull when he'd stumbled into this world for the second time as he tried to somehow figure out how he'd ended up here _again_.

Honestly, he could feel another one heading his way if he didn't somehow manage to block thoughts about her Amestrian counterpart out of his mind for the time being.

"We're aware of the fact that it's not exactly a story one can believe easily." His sibling admitted, slightly disappointed she was able to laugh it off like this. Honestly, Ed didn't blame the girl. Though, that could also be related to the fact that he was used to people not believing his crazy experiences. Al wasn't. After sipping from the beer in front of him - since alcohol was only prohibited until the age of 16 in this country (and he'd made ample use of that right for the last two years) - the older Elric continued where his brother had left off.

"It's the truth, though, so you can either believe it or wave it off. Your choice."

"But why are you telling me this if you know how unlikely it is for anyone to actually believe it?" Winifred asked, intrigued. She didn't seem too convinced yet, but at least she didn't completely write them off as liars. Ed found enough solace in that little fact to continue. He didn't want Al to handle this one - he'd specifically asked his brother to deal with what was to come. He owed this girl that much, for taking so much from her.

"I just thought you deserved the truth..." He explained, unwilling to look at her lest he get distracted again by her appearance. The young man wanted to do this as sincerely as possible. "... As well as an apology."

"An apology?"

"Can I ask you to try to hear me out...?" Seeing Winifred nod, Edward took a deep breath before continuing. Here goes nothing. "It was my fault... that your Edgar and Alfons... died. And I'd like to apologize, even though I know that there is no way for you to forgive me. If it wasn't for me, they'd both still be here and you could spend your time laughing and having fun instead of hearing crazy stories from two guys who look like them. Hell, if it wasn't for me, none of this would've happened at all...!"

"Brother..."

"When I first came to this world, I didn't have my own body. I took over the body of my counterpart, Edgar, right when London was bombed. Hohenheim, I mean the Hohenheim from our world was there as well and after I convinced him that I was his real son, he tried to explain what was going on. But when he got ordered away, he left me- Edgar somewhere outside of the city and... a zeppelin crashed right where he was. He died that night, because I forced Hohenheim to take me with him so he'd tell me what I wanted to know. If I hadn't been there, he could have escaped safely...!" Blinking away the surplus amount of water in his eyes, Ed tried taking another deep breath before continuing on. It got stuck in his throat, but he pushed his words out anyway. "And Alfons... he sacrificed himself for me. The rocket project he'd been working on... he strapped me to it when I was unconscious and sent me back to my world even though he knew his superiors wouldn't let him live after that." Ed was still not looking up, ashamed of himself but somehow he felt relieved to finally be able to get this off of his chest. It had been weighing down on his heart for so long...

Neither Edgar nor Alfons had ever done anything to warrant death, they hadn't done _anything wrong_, they were _innocent _and now they were _dead_. And he - the one who had committed so many crimes, who had hurt so many people with his actions in both worlds - was still alive and kicking and regretting every second of it.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry! I don't expect you to forgive me. But I wanted you to know the truth. I thought I owed you that much at the very least after I destroyed so much that was precious to you. I understand if you never want to see me again, if you want me to leave... But I really want you to know how sorry I am for that and for everything happening the way things did...!" Finally, the older Elric glanced at the girl across the table. Her eyes were widened with shock and glistening with partly unshed tears after having heard how Edgar had been killed. But other than that she seemed too composed, considering her situation. She was sobbing a little, but then again it was probably even more to take in than their story from before. She'd need time to come to terms with it, Ed realized as his eyes softened in sympathy.

"Stop apologizing, you idiot...!" Her voice suddenly prompted him to refocus on the young woman. "... What's done is done. You can't- _we_ can't change it. Alfons must've seen something in you to sacrifice himself like that, so there's no way you're as bad as you make yourself believe." Winifred sniffled, her voice still betraying the tears she tried to swallow but she was doing her best to speak clearly. The golden-eyed teenager couldn't help but sigh at how much she sounded like the girl he'd known for almost his entire life, how even in a situation such as this one he couldn't even keep his mind off of her. "I-... Thank you. For telling me the truth."

Goddamnit, this girl was _so strong...!_ Ed couldn't help but admire her for that, unable to stop wondering how in the world she managed to (apparently) not completely hate him even though it was his fault everything was taken from her! He didn't know what he would've done if their roles were to be exchanged, if he'd actually have to deal with losing Al _and_ Winry again, for good, with absolute no chance of them having survived...! Knowing that he'd never be able to see them again and still searching desperately, restlessly for a method to return anyway had almost been too much for him. Who knows how long he would've been able to continue on the way he did if the Shamballa matter hadn't been around...?

"I-I'm just glad that I finally got to know what really happened to those two... They were practically my family, not just because we've known each other since even before we could take our first steps..." Winifred interrupted his thoughts quietly. Sorrow was the sole emotion her face showed, even through the slowly forming, nostalgic smile on her lips as the young woman explained herself. She'd been able to control her sobs somewhat so that at least her words were understandable, tears however were still freely streaming down her pale face. But to be honest, Ed would've felt worse if she'd been composed about this. "I mean... the three of us were childhood friends, inseparable in our school days to the point where we were called triplets... and even though Alfons moved to Munich in order to study rocketry, we'd managed to all get together every once in a while. He was supposed to be the best man at Edgar and I's wedding..."

_'What...?!' _Ed choked on the sip of beer he'd just taken as he took in the words uttered by the girl in front of him. He wanted to ask her about it, but even if he hadn't been busy coughing his lungs out, he wasn't sure he could've formed a complete sentence with the mess in his head.

"You two were engaged?" Al asked in his stead, interested, but not as surprised as he should've been (at least in his opinion). Winifred sniffled slightly before answering with a nod.

"Just for a short while... His father just showed up one day even though he was supposed to be on a business trip in the States or something. I didn't even get to ask him how he was already back before he suddenly suggested we get married. We were both pretty shocked since at the time, Edgar and I weren't even going out, but... in the end we agreed. His father seemed to want to hurry the process along for whatever reason, so the date was already set the same day. But..." The woman responded, not looking at either of them, but gazing at her fingers curled around a warm cup of tea.

"That's when the city was attacked?" Al guessed correctly as confirmed by a silent nod.

Meanwhile, Ed couldn't believe what his old man had done. He showed up in another world and practically _ordered_ two people he didn't even know to get married?! What the hell is- _was_ wrong with the guy? Just because they looked like his biological son and his childhood friend - neither of whom he'd seen in something along the lines of ten freaking years! Seriously, who knew if they'd even felt that way about each other...?

Well, he felt that way about _his Winry_ - eh, the _Winry_ from _his_ _world_ - that much he was sure of, and he wouldn't be all that surprised if Hohenheim had noticed as much during the few hours he'd visited Risembool before their fight against Dante. The old man was just creepily perceptive like that, no matter the fact that Edward himself had still been stuck in denial at the time - or maybe that was what made it so obvious...!

The fact remains, though, that things could've been entirely different _here._ Then again, Gracia and Hughes were pretty much the same as his former superior always told him back in the day, so maybe it _did _work like that, maybe feelings are likely to develop similarly here. They might not be the same people as the Amestrians, but they're still their counterparts.

Still, why did he suggest something like that when Edgar and Winifred weren't even dating or anything?

_'... Maybe he just wanted to see his son be happy. I know I would be if I could be looking forward to marr-'_ Ed stopped his thoughts there by taking another sip of his beer, mentally scolding himself for thinking about nonsensical things like that. This and that were two entirely different things. This was _not_ his world. This was _not_ him they were talking about and this was _not_ Winry he was talking to. He needed to get that into his thick skull! So why did he always end up comparing this whole damn situation to his own fucked up one?! With a quiet, but deep sigh he settled back into his chair, absently staring at something he couldn't even see.

And even though he'd just chastised himself about it, his thoughts strayed back to Winry, back to how she might have taken losing Al and him... _again_.

Of course, it wasn't the same. He and Winry weren't _like that_ (no matter how much he now wished he'd at least told her how he felt last time, any time, just so he'd know that she knew and _maybe_ if she felt the same). They were childhood friends, though, almost as close as siblings and they would've probably been even closer if not for him and his goddamn stupidity. Seriously what did he ever think he was doing?! Trying to bring someone back from the dead, burning down the one place with memories of that person, keeping those he loved at an arm's length and hurting them over and over again, all with the reasoning that it was for the best...!

But they weren't closer and he didn't tell her and they weren't _like that_ and now he would have to deal with the consequences because those were the choices he'd made and regretting them wouldn't change a damn thing...!

...

Somebody get his brain to act accordingly...!

* * *

In the end those consequences also made themselves known in the form of dreams. They weren't even necessarily bad dreams, or so Ed told himself. They were merely fictive visions of what could have been - if he hadn't been so _stupid_ for years.

_He'd see a house- no, a home in Risembool, unmistakable by the lush green hills, the river winding down on the side of the road and the familiar dog sitting in front of the porch. A figure was approaching, a male, but that was all he could tell because there was always a shadow over his face and there were no further distinctive signs as to who this man could be. Opening the door after being welcomed by Den, the figure would continue on into the kitchen where a beautiful blonde-haired woman was cooking dinner._

_Winry..._

_As the guy would walk up behind her silently and hug her from behind, kissing her cheek while lovingly rubbing her growing stomach, she'd squeak a little, but quickly regain the content smile on her face, still stained with grease from work. Her mouth would open to greet him with a giggle in her voice and sometimes a smiling Al would join the happy scene by sitting down at the kitchen table and starting a conversation with the two of them and Ed could almost hear their voices, but in the end the air around him would stay silent._

_This scene wasn't meant for him to witness, after all._

And Ed would wake up in cold sweat, unable to comprehend what it was about this dream that made it so awful to watch. It wasn't like any other nightmares he'd had before. His loved ones didn't die in his arms because he was too weak to protect him, they weren't hurt when he wasn't there, they didn't declare their hatred to him...

They just didn't care about him at all.

Ed didn't even know which way to interpret this whole thing hurt him more: The thought of Winry having moved on easily after he left her _again_ (which he wouldn't blame her for either, but it still hurt) or to see it as what could've been if he hadn't been stupid, to see what he could've had, but couldn't have now...

It always hurt to think that had it not been for his foolishness all those years back... then it could've been like that _right now_. He could've been happy, without automail, Al would've never had to live with his soul attached to an empty, cold armor, they would still be in Risembool and they would be _happy...!_

And even though Al was always asleep somewhere in the vicinity, emitting comforting slow breaths as he dreamed about whatever, the former alchemist couldn't help but feel utterly _alone_ and _homesick_ whenever he awoke from a dream like that and the regrets started to consume him once more.

Because, _damn it all to hell and back_, WHY hadn't he at least _told_ _her_ when he still had the chance?!

He'd _known_ about his feelings for her, no matter how hard he'd been trying to deny their existence! He'd always loved that girl too damn much for his own good, too much for her own good and it always endangered her so he held back, but _damn it_, he should've told her anyway! Why hadn't he _fucking_ told her?!

He'd _known_ two years ago that they were leaving for the final fight and that if he didn't win this one, there'd be no coming back to her, no coming home. He'd wanted to tell her then, in a quiet moment away from all the others, but there was just always someone else with them, keeping an eye on them, interrupting them...!

He'd _known_ that he would have to tell her then if he wanted to go out without regrets in case he really didn't make it. (Not that was planning to die but he was trying to analyze the situation realistically and the chances of a 16 year old beating a couple of practically immortal homunculi were pretty... damn low...!) He remained quiet, though, because he didn't find the 'right moment', because someone interrupted them, because he was hella frightened of being rejected even though he _knew_- well, no. That was the problem. He _didn't_ know what to expect and that scared him shitless.

And suddenly - two years after having given up - he got a second chance at talking to her in somewhat private (but who the hell cared about that stuff anyway?!) and he'd _known_ that if he didn't tell her now (because he might've given up on ever returning home but he could never even spend a day without thinking and worrying about and missing her and wishing he'd told her everything) he'd probably never get to do it...! Even the chances of seeing her again that last time had been second to none! His luck was sure to have run out by now...!

And still, he hadn't said a _goddamn thing!_

Even though she'd shown him so openly how much she cared, how much he meant to her, he couldn't even tell her that he missed her!

And now the regrets were destroying him so agonizingly slowly from the inside...

* * *

Eventually, Winifred decided that the Elric brothers could be trusted and Ed couldn't help but feel relieved and torn at once. Relieved, because as much as she wasn't Winry, she still looked like her to some degree and he couldn't help himself but compare them. At least he was still able to see her. Torn, because he _had_ to see her, because she _wasn't_ Winry and because no matter how much he wanted to he wouldn't be able to ever again embrace the woman he loved. He'd have to look at her, focusing on not losing himself in the illusion that she _was_ his Winry- eh... Ugh, he didn't care anymore...!

The brothers and the young woman would meet up every so often, mostly discussing the differences between their worlds. Winifred was greatly interested in this art called alchemy that was said to be extinct on Earth because of insufficient documentation since alchemists wanted to keep the secrets of their success. So Ed and Al often recounted tales of their research, but also of their travels and adventures. Risembool, its people and any events having taken there were left out or avoided skillfully, however.

Too personal. Too many painfully happy and sad memories. Too many regrets.

Up until now, anyway.

Because, apparently, Al had decided to let Winifred in on all of their childhood stories.

Starting with the most embarrassing ones.

"Of course, little Ed tried to get the book back from Winry and started chasing after her, all the while shouting at the top of his voice to give it back to him." The younger brother explained, ignoring the way Ed kept glaring at him. Honestly, if looks could kill, there wouldn't be many people left to call the former state alchemist short.

Seriously, what was the sense of reminiscing in something they would never be able to experience again? Why did he have to bring up all of these memories? Was he trying to prove a point or something? If so, he could've just done so without the familiar-looking girl around!

"You never told me about my other self from your world... What is she like?" Winifred asked curiously after calming down from another fit of giggles.

See?! That was what he'd wanted to prevent! As if speaking about their past in general with all its pain, angst and messed up decisions wasn't hard enough already. No, now he'd have to relive all of these damned feelings for a certain blonde because a girl that looked far too much like her for her own good decided to be nosy.

"Why don't you handle this one, Brother? You know, I still need to stop by Ms. Gracia's to help her out in her shop." And with a mirthful twinkle in his eye, Al was gone. Well, whoopdie-fricking-doo! This couldn't get much worse, could it?

As he sighed in annoyance, however, he caught sight of Winifred's curious gaze and decided to just go on ahead... and tell her.

"..." _Tell her._

"She..." Ed didn't know how to say it. Heck, he didn't even know _what_ he wanted to tell her! Sure, they were friends, but was it really alright to tell her the truth about his... feelings?

_I can't... I can't tell her..._

"I mean..." She had told him about her relationship to Edgar, though, so what was the difference now?

_I want __**her**__ to know first...!_

"It's..." Why was it so hard to even start with something general?

_Because... it hurts. It hurts to even think about her, damn it...!_

"She's not... _dead_... is she...?" Winifred's careful approach stunned him.

"Huh?" Did he look _that_ pained when he contemplated what to tell her that she would actually come up with a reason like that?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked like that... And yet, here I am, looking like her while you guys probably-" Before the young woman could even start to blame herself, she was interrupted.

"No! No, it's not like that!" Guilt washed over him as Ed realized his mistake. He made a woman who had lost her fiancé and her childhood friend because of him _blame herself_ because he couldn't come out and tell her about her counterpart...! All the while she had spoken about those she lost through her tears to _comfort him of all people_. "It's not like that at all. I just... miss her, I guess..."

"... Were the two of you close? I mean, I know you're childhood friends but, like-... Did you still have contact with her before you were sent here?" The blonde male gulped. He was going to do this, no matter how much it would hurt him. It was only fair to tell her... And it wasn't like he had to tell her _everything_, but at least as much as she wanted to know.

"She was-... _is_ my automail mechanic." He told her, taking of his right glove to show her the mechanical arm that caused him the title of Fullmetal Alchemist.

"A moving prosthetic?! These fine motor skills are amazing! It must've been so much work to create something like this...!" Well, figured. Of course Winifred would be just as fascinated with automail as another certain blonde gear head.

"Oh, trust me, it is. Every time I damaged my arm or leg by accident, Winry would throw a fit about all the hours of hard work she had put into my limbs and chuck a wrench at my head to prove her point." He chuckled. It might've been painful at the time, but in the end he realized that he needed someone to knock some sense into him whenever he overdid it like that. "But she always fixed and improved them even further to suit my needs. She's the best mechanic I know. And the best friend I could've ever asked for..." A strained, sad smile lingered on his face as he contemplated how often he should've told her all that when he still had the chance to do so.

"She must be amazing to be such a skilled mechanic at such a young age..."

"She is. To think she started learning about it because of me in the first place... I still don't know whether or not she would've actually taken that line of business if it wasn't for me."

"Whether she would have done so or not isn't important, at least in my opinion. If she stayed your mechanic for such a long time, then she must've enjoyed it, if only because she could help you like this."

"It does sound like something that idiot would do. Always worrying about me, like there wasn't anything else to worry about...! As if she wasn't busy enough worrying about herself!" But in the end neither of them ever worried about themselves, they were too concerned about each other to do so.

Even now, Ed couldn't quite help himself but worrying about how she was doing right now. And it was frustrating to speculate because he had no way of changing anything in her life anyway. There was nothing he could do, but he was still beating himself up over it. He realized that it might not be the best combination but in the end it was always pointless.

Well, there was one thing he could do.

He'd made a promise after all. Right, the promise. How could he have forgotten? He'd promised her he'd do whatever it takes to come home to her...!

"Hey, Edward... I know it hurts but... Can I ask you one more question?" Looking up at the familiar face once more, his resolve was finally steeled as his face set into a look of determination with an almost unnoticeable nod. He'd get to see the real deal again or he'd die trying!

Taking his silent nod as an approval to continue talking, Winifred pressed out the one question that had kept her mind occupied the entire time the male had talked about her counterpart.

"... Do you love her?"

Finally, Edward returned to their conversation. Surprise was written all over his face at her unexpected query before it softened slightly. She might've just wanted to know how his counterpart felt about her since they'd never really gotten to even tell each other, even though they were to be married. And if he knew anything about himself (which probably applied to Edgar as well) then that he freaked out whenever it came to talking about feelings.

But that would have to end now.

He wasn't going to lie anymore. He wouldn't deny his feelings any longer. He was going to be honest with himself, like he should've been for a long, long time.

"Yeah."

_And eventually, I'll tell her so...!_

* * *

_That's it for the fourth chapter! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Tell me your thoughts in a review!_

_(It's so frustrating to think that I felt pretty much comfortable with this chapter until I wrote the last part because ever since I did, I found that the rest was just as sucky... .3.)_

_Next chapter will probably be the last one!_

_Thank you very much for faves and follows: sentimental-obsessed, Dika Kai, Literature work, SimSoprano, Bladethorn4296 and leonidasking!_

_I'm very thankful for all my readers' support!_

_And last but not least: I don't own anything! Seriously, even the ideas belong to the plot bunny hiding under my bed!_

_-Tracy247_


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